And Then My Four Year Old Brings Me Back To Earth.

[Scene: Play-doh extravaganza at the kitchen table]

Jonathan: Mom, Casey wants some play-doh too.  Can you make it so we both have the same?

Mommy: Sure.

(Shows them how to divide the play-doh evenly)

Jonathan: (Wide-eyed). WOW!  How did you know to do that?

Mommy: Oh, I guess I must be a genius.

Jonathan: No, not a genius.  Just smart, Mommy.  You're just smart.

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The Sweet Scent of Life.

"Hey, Mom. Your dress smells like Josie."

"Uh huh. 'Cause I hold her all day."

"No, your dress... Because she PUKED on you."

-Jonathan

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This is My Life.

[Scene: Obstetrician's waiting room. I am trying to
schedule my next appointment, the room is packed,
a line is forming and the kids are getting very antsy. ]

Jonathan: "Mommy, I hafta pee."

Mommy: "Just go in your diaper, I'm trying to make an appointment."

Jonathan: "Oh, okay."

[A few moments pass...]

Jonathan: "Mommy, some pee dripped down my legs."

Mommy: (Still ensconced in deep debate with the scheduling staff). "Okay, we'll put a fresh diaper on in the car."

Jonathan: "Mommy, now it's a big puddle."

Mommy: (Not daring to look up). "Jonathan, did Daddy put you in a diaper or underwear this morning?"

Jonathan: "...underwear." "Oh. I just peed my underwear, Mommy."

Life, Death, Marriage, Incest and Sister-Wives. I Don't Even Need a Television.

[Scene: In the car, running errands]

Casey: Hey, Mom?

Me: Yes, Casey?

Casey: Grandma Bonnie died, Mom?

Me: Yes, Casey.

Casey: So, I don't have four grandmas now?

Me: Yes, Casey.

Casey: So, I just have three grandmas now?

Me: Yes, Casey.

Casey: Hey, Mom.

Me: Yes, Casey?

Casey: That's math.

[Scene: Lounging on the couch watching 'Say Yes to the Dress']

Jonathan: Hey Mom, when I get old like you I will get married.

Me: That sounds nice, who will you marry?

Jonathan: You.

Me: What about Daddy?

Jonathan: We can be married together. He will share.

Me: Okay, well, you'll have to talk to Daddy about this.

Jonathan: Oh, and Aunt Jessi too. We will all be married together.

I Think My Doctor's Pretty Freaking Awesome, But You Have To Admit, He Takes Terrible Ultrasound Pictures.

It was actually really easy to see in person, but my doctor for all his brilliance (and, yes, I really do think he's pretty brilliant) takes some sucky sonogram screenshots. It's okay though, I saw what needs seeing. Casey and Jonathan were able to watch too and their joy at the news was so much more than I expected. It relieved (a little bit of) the HOLY CRAP WE'RE GOING TO HAVE FOUR KIDS anxiety. Even though Jonathan says he won't help with diapers. Bummer.

"When I grow up, I'm going to be a daddy
to babies that don't have daddies."

-Casey, 4 years old, one of the
most awesome kids EVER.

_______________________________________
6 week ultrasound

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Hey, hey! I'm chatting it up over at Smithfield again! Please,
head on over to learn about my favorite kitchen gadgets. (Please!)

Gotcha, Mommy!

[Scene: Mommy and boys at the Florida Mall, in
an awesome store full of purses jewelry and shoes.]

Mommy: [Reaches for a purse.]

Jonathan: Mommy! That's NOT yours!

Mommy: I'm just looking, kiddo.

[...a few minutes pass]

Jonathan: [Picks up a pair of earrings]

Mommy: Jonathan, please don't touch anything.

Jonathan: I'm just LOOOOKING, Mom.

Mommy: Please look with your eyes, not with your hands.

Jonathan: But YOU looked with YOUR hands, MOM!

Because, Isn't that Always the Answer?

[SCENE: Casey (4 year old) getting shifty and whiny
and doing a little dancing around at the mall.]

Hubbers: "Casey, do you need to use the bathroom?"

Casey: "No!"

Hubbers: "Casey, do you have a tummy ache?"

Casey: "Yes, I hafta go at home."

Hubbers: "We should go, he needs to use the bathroom."

Me: "Casey, do you need to use the bathroom?"

Casey: "No, I need to go home."

Me: "He just wants to go home."

[about ten minutes later in the car headed home]

Hubbers: "He's just like me, doesn't like to use public bathrooms."

Me: "That's bull." "Hey, Casey, do you have a tummy-ache?"

Casey: "Yes, my tummy hurts because I need to go home and eat bacon."

TomAto, TomOto...

[SCENE: my parents' house in south Florida; family room]

Casey: Mommy, I need help with the touch computer.

Me: We don't have an iPad.

Casey: Yes, Mommy, come help.

Me: No, that was Uncle Casey's iPad, he took it home.

Casey: Yes, Mommy...

[Casey walks away into the bedroom hallway]

Casey: [yelling from the hallway] Mommy, come HELP! Mooooooommmmmy!!!

[I pry myself out of the lazy-boy and amble toward the hallway]

Casey: [dragging a flat screen monitor by the cord] See, Mommy! I found Grandpa's touch computer!

Me: Oy.

Baby Fever

"Mommy, Stephen's getting BIG!
You growing me a new baby in your belly?"

~Casey

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More quotes here.

Where Do They Come Up With This Stuff? Surely Not From Me.

[Scene: Garage where Wesley is doing something manly with hammers and nails. Probably also crushing beer cans on his head.]

[Casey enters wearing only his tightey-whiteys]

Casey: "Daddy, I have a phone call for you!"

Wesley: "Oh, really?"

Casey: "Yes!"

[Casey reaches down the front of his underpants and pulls out an old cell phone]

Casey: "Here, Daddy! It's Uncle Casey! He wants kisses!"

[Wesley dies a little bit inside]

Wesley: "Um. No thanks, bud."

(Maybe I should stop painting his nails.)

Overheard...

Mommy: "Boys, don't lick the cart it's dirty."

JJ: "Mommy? I clean?"

Mommy: "Yes, you're clean."

Casey: "I clean too?"

Mommy: "Yes, you too."

...

JJ: "Hey, Casey!"

Casey: "Yeah?"

JJ: "Want to lick my tongue?"

Casey: "Okay!"

[and then they did. and i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. so. i laughed so hard i cried.]

Well, At Least I Know He's Paying Attention.

[wiped out on the couch after preschool]

"No, Mommy! Don't cut my hair with scissors!
Scissors are VERY DANGEROUS!"

~Casey

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- More quotes here.

A Typical Exchange.

Mommy: "Boys, would you like to paint? I can make paint with yogurt!"

Casey: "I no want yogurt paint, Mom. I want REAL paint."

Jonathan: "Yeah! REAL paint, Mom."

Mommy: "Okay, here's some REAL paint." (handing them yogurt paint).

Casey: "Thanks, Mom. I no like yogurt paint."

Jonathan: "Yeah... no like yogurt paint."

(about three minutes go by)

Jonathan: "Mommy... I eat the paint?"

Nothing Says "Love" Like Holding the Sick Bucket.

Sometimes Kids Say the Darndest Things and Sometimes it Just Sounds Like Porn.

I took the boys to the science center today to see the souras (dinosaurs). Although, oddly, while that's the part Casey talks about the most, it's the area he spends the least amount of time. He prefers the orange grove, sewer, gator pond, fish tank, and trains choo-choos. But all he talks about are the souras. Ah well.


So this afternoon we ended our trip in the kids play area where they have "trains" to play with. One is a cause and effect type game where you set a golf ball in motion at the top and have to pull levers and triggers and push, pull, rotate, blah, blah, blah. The ball finally comes out the back end after you've gotten through all the red tape fun. Face and JJ played on this for a very very long time. Well, Casey played and Jonathan threw golf balls.

After Casey was done, he wandered to the big train where you can step up and play conductor. I was sitting several yards away crocheting something beautiful and watching JJ. I could see the top of Casey's head and noticed another, somewhat older boy had joined him at the helm. I didn't think anything of it until this (very loud) chant began:

"CIRCLE. JERK!"

"CIRCLE. JERK!"

"CIRCLE. JERK!"

As any good Mommy would, I grabbed my camera and ran over to see what in holy hell they were doing. Or, more specifically, what this older boy was doing to my son. Turns out he was spinning the steering wheel (CIRCLE.) and pulling the cord for the train whistle (JERK!). Hah!

Unfortunately, he finished his refrain before I was able to turn the video on.

p.s. is your neck cold?