Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mostly I Don't Look Like I've Been Living in a Garbage Can. But Sometimes it Happens.

Yesterday in all my snot filled glory, the kids dragged me out of the house. O.K., actually they whined and moaned and picked fights with one another until I ran away forever caved and took their needy little persons on an outing.

I went to the mall. Begrudgingly. Without make-up. In dirty jeans. Unwashed hair. Spit-up covered shirt. And ran into someone I haven't seen in five years. Who looked fantastic.

Awesome.

To add insult to injury, the last time I saw her (which was, again, five years from the time before) I was the heaviest I've ever been. I remember walking away and wondering if she thought I was going to try to eat her. I wouldn't. She's too skinny.

After the encounter I realized I really really really needed to pee. Except I was using the side-by-side double stroller. Which only fits in one bathroom in the ENTIRE MALL. So, I booked it toward Sears. Except the kids play toys are in front of Sears. And I told Casey about a billion times we were going to the mall to play on the toys.

Awesome.

So we stop at the toys. And play. And play some more. And keep on playing. And OH MY GOD IT'S GETTING URGENT. So we go.

We were so close. And then I sneezed. And I sneezed again. And then a third time. And then the dam broke. And that made me really glad I had my encounter at the beginning of our trip instead of the end. Because it's one thing to look like a homeless person, and quite another to smell like one.


Oh yeh, and then I went home and tried to seduce Hubs.

p.s. I added a few more things (ok, two more) to my Etsy shop.

26 comments:

angi_b72 said...

omg too funny...been there done that!!

dddiva said...

Hahaha really I am not laughing with you but at you. ;)
I think we've all been at our worst with someone whose eyes we'd like to scratch out...

Sabrae said...

and then the dam broke and you tried to seduce hubby??? did you at least shower first??? lmao!!! just picking on you

Momisodes said...

LOL! So sorry, but your writing about this encounter is hilarious :)

So glad I'm not the only one with a broken dam at times ;)

Karla aka Ditzy said...

THAT is the reason I think God should bless us mother's with the ability to NOT SNEEZE when the opportunity is not right! You know if you sneeze and can keep your eyelids open your eyeballs could fly out of your head! Thats a LOT of force! Sneezing is evil! Great story tho!

ParentingPink said...

Sounds like you head to the mall about like I do. Who has time for make up? LOL

Glad you didn't pee on yourself. Now, that would be a site to behold! LOL

Love your blog - you have such cute little boys. I have all "pink" in my house, so I'll have to stop by again to get my "boy" fill! Have a great Friday!

Expat Mom said...

Isn`t that ALWAYS the way? Perfect people suck. Especially when you look and feel like crap. :P

Doesn`t the whole pee-when-you-sneeze thing just drive you insane? I think after going through pregnancy and birth, it`s only fair to have a little bladder control!

Run DMT said...

LMAO- I totally can relate.

Heinous said...

Bwhahaha. On the bright side, it's got to be a better day today.

toyfoto said...

That is just a heaping slice of awful. This is why Al Gore invented the internets.

*going to check out your etsy shop now*

Erin, Nick and Merrick said...

Pop goes the April!

Brittany said...

Um,only the cool kids pee their pants!

Vered - MomGrind said...

THIS is what mommy blogs are all about. Making other moms realize that they're not alone. That this happens to ALL OF US.

Thank you.

Rhea said...

Oh, man, this sounds familiar, besides the peeing in your pants part and running into a friend who looks great.

LOL I mean, I've run into people looking awful. And I've almost pooped in my pants before, but not all together at the same time. So, your story trumps mine. hehe

Jen said...

OMG! I am sorry that that happened to you but I am laughing my ass off. That is terrible but so funny.

Captain Dumbass said...

HAWT!

Hedon said...

Hey April!

Man that sucks! Oh well... what are you going to do?

If it makes you feel any better she was probably only looking really good cause she was at the mall trying to find a job at the food court cause she just found out that her husband spent all their savings to buy The General Lee car from the 'Dukes of Hazzard' and they can't afford to make their house payment. Also, she isn't sure but she thinks maybe he has been wearing her underwear to work under his suit and is buying lacy wonder-bras for himself up at the Victoria's Secret.

Way better to be you than her... even post-sneeze.

Stefanie said...

I feel like I haven't worn makeup out of the house since the 80's. Showering is also so last year. And I too smell like pee. Only that's from changing diapers on a nearly constant basis.

mrsmouthy said...

You nailed the mall experience for all moms everywhere. Why does it have to be so hard??!

Stimey said...

Oh no. That sneezing will get you every time. I've had a cough for a couple weeks now and it's not making my life easy in this regard.

The Stiletto Mom said...

I did a whole post on this mommy phenomenon called Snee...the fine art of combining the sneeze and the pee. God, it's good to be a woman.

HILARIOUS post...sorry you feel so bad but this is one of my all time favorites. :)

Baby Bunching said...

Snee!!! OMG...I LOVE it. Awesome!

Jimi-James Pavlov said...

Awesome story. These are story's you should write down so your kids feel weird around you later in life.... ;)

OMYWORD! said...

Thanks for following me on Twitter. I have a big smile on my face after reading your posts and looking at the pics. You are very funny! I never had kids so I get to live vicariously through all you mommies. :-)

Cheers and a very happy holiday to you and your family.

MrsJ said...

That was HILARIOUS!! Totally worth staying up past midnight & wading through 168 unread bloggy posts in google reader to read that, laugh and laugh until I need to pee myself!!

MrsJ said...

Bahaha! I forgot when I clicked over that this wasn't today! I was wondering why you just had the double stroller with you, lol! 2008! Man... flashback....

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